Becoming a Birthmother0

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My name is Anita and I am from Yuma, Arizona. Yesterday I found out I was pregnant and due in one month. Today I came to the realization that I am becoming a birth mother.

I am 18 years old and have two children already. One is in the care of my mother and I work very hard to support my one year old. This is all a shock to me but I want to make the best of my situation. After speaking with someone at Arizona Adoption Help I feel so much better knowing that I have a plan. They are going to help me get through this pregnancy and find the perfect family for my child. I know there is more to get through and process, but today I am hopeful that this can turn into a beautiful story.

My child will have all the love in the world and everything I could not give to him myself. Another family will experience the joy I feel at being a parent to my other two children. This is an opportunity for everyone to experience a full and happy life. Thank you for being somewhere I could turn to in this moment. There is no way I can express the peace I am beginning to feel.

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Common Questions from Birth Parents0

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Will I be able to choose the family?

Yes, if you would like to choose the family we will show you adoptive family profiles that cover the story of their lives with pictures and letters. There is no shortage of families to choose from, so if you don’t find the family in the first batch of profiles we can keep you showing you more until you find the family that is right for your child.

Will I be able to communicate with the family?

How much or how little involvement you want with the family is totally up to you. Many birth moms and adoptive families start with emails, phone calls or Skype calls to better get to know each other during the pregnancy. If you would prefer a confidential adoption, you have that option as well.

Do I have to talk to the family?

If you are uncomfortable having contact with the adoptive family, you don’t have to. We encourage at least a phone call in order to instill trust on both side, but this is completely up to you.

What will the adoptive family know about me?

For health reasons, the adoptive family will know about your medical history. Other than that, it is up to you. They would love to get to know you and find out about your interests and talents as this information may be valuable to the child as he or she grows older.

Can I stay in touch with the adoptive family?

Yes, if you choose so, the adoptive family will stay in touch at your request with pictures and letters up to four times a year until the child is 18 years of age.

Will I be able to meet the adoptive family in person?

Yes, if you would like to. Usually this meeting occurs when the baby is born. The adoptive family will visit you in the hospital and spend time with you and the baby. If you do not wish to meet the family, you don’t have to.

When can I be matched with a family?

In order to be matched with a family we need to first fill out our intake paperwork and then request medical records from your doctor. At that point we can show you profiles and begin to make the match official.

Where are the adoptive families located?

We find the adoptive families all over the country from attorneys and agencies that we have established relationships with. All have been through a very rigorous court testing to be approved to adopt.

How much will an adoption cost me?

An adoption is no cost to you. All of your medical, legal and counseling services are covered. Once you are matched with a family the court will approve a living expense budget that continues until 6 weeks after the birth.

When do living expenses start?

Living expenses begin once you are matched with a family. Typically this occurs in the fifth month or so. You will receive living expenses until 6 weeks after the birth of the baby.

Can I do an adoption without the birth father’s consent?

In Arizona, birthfathers must be informed of an adoption in which they are a potential father. If the birthfather does not consent to the adoption, we can try and contact him in order to talk with him in detail about the adoption and see if he will consent. If he is not willing to consent, we can have him served legally, which gives him 30 days to file for paternity with the court. If the birthfather is unknown, Arizona law provides that we can issue a publication in the legal section of the newspaper.

Do I have to live in Arizona in order for you to help me?

No, you do not have to live in Arizona for us to help you with an adoption plan, but you must reside in Arizona during the birth of your child. We can help arrange for transportation and relocation expenses to facilitate your travels.

Are medical expenses covered?

We will help you apply for public health insurance in order to cover your medical costs. Any costs that are not covered by public healthcare will be taken care of by the adoptive family.

When can I relinquish my parental rights?

In Arizona, we can sign consent 72 hours after the birth of the baby.

What if I do not have transportation for my medical and counseling appointments?

Your health insurance provider may offer transportation to medical appointments. If not, we have a driver that will get you to and from any medical or counseling appointments.

Is there counseling available?

Absolutely. Our certified counselor has been working with our birthmoms for over 13 years. She is an adoptive mother herself and is here to support you during this time.

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Jenna’s Story0

 

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Now that the holidays are over, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be a birth mom. I placed my son with an amazing adoptive family nearly two years ago and am only now beginning to process what this means. Leading up to Christmas the past two years, I’ve had this longing wash over me and I wasn’t sure exactly why. Everything in my life feels pretty together right now. I’m in a great relationship, close with my family, my career is on track. But there is still something missing.

For most people, the holidays mean overindulging on family and food and fun and I can’t shake this feeling of “what if?” What if I had my son? What if we were planning a family Christmas dinner at my house instead of traveling to the homes of friends and family with little ones? What if Christmas shopping meant toddler toys and Santa onesies? There is a part of my heart missing and I don’t know how to fill it.

It’s difficult to explain to someone who has never been through an adoption how it is something that you will continually have to come to terms with. The date of his birth is blazoned on my heart and just because I don’t see him doesn’t mean I don’t have a running tab on his exact age. I think of all the stages he would be going through at each moment. In my heart, I know this decision was the best. There would be so much worry and struggle had I chosen to parent. It wouldn’t be all sugar plums and presents I know.

The thing that gets me through it all is seeing his smiling face. My adoptive family sends me their annual New Years card, and looking at the photo, I see a whole and complete family. I see a child so greatly loved and cared for. I see his mommy and his daddy and how proud they are of him. I know he has a wonderful and stable life and will get to experience things I could never give him. I know he’s happy.

I also know that I love him fiercely albeit quietly. I want my love to follow him wherever he goes, not to be demanding or intrusive, but just there. Love is often something we show physically, with hugs and kisses and “I love yous.” And maybe this is why the holidays are so hard. I have to find a way to send that love out there and be okay with just that. Being a mother, any kind of mother, is most often a selfless act. You don’t always get back everything you have to give. I just have to have faith. That is what the holidays mean to me now and what it means to be a birthmother at any stage. It means having to rely on faith and hope and an immeasurable amount of love for another little person.

 

-Jenna 2014, Birth mom

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How Adoption Changed My Life0

We were so inspired by one of our birth moms we asked if she would be willing to write a few words about her adoption journey thus far. Megan is from Phoenix, Arizona and has taken huge strides to turn her life around after finding out she was pregnant. We couldn’t be more happy for her success.

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I will never forget the day I found out I was pregnant. After waking up  with terrible back and stomach pain, I went to the ER and was prescribed pain medication without having a pregnancy test first. A few days later it dawned on me that I might be pregnant. My period was late and truthfully I wasn’t always good with protection. I went to a pregnancy clinic and they told me to stop taking the pain medication immediately because I was going to have a baby.

It’s not easy to admit some of this, but I honestly did not believe the nurse when she said I was going to have a baby. I figured I would probably just have an abortion. Not only was I not ready for a baby to be born, I was not ready to have a baby inside of me. I was in my twenties and was doing things I’m not proud of today. Drinking, smoking cigarettes and occasionally more, I couldn’t figure growing a child into my lifestyle. I talked it over with some friends and they even agreed that abortion would solve everything. I could get on with my life. After going to a clinic with one of my girlfriends, the abortion was scheduled for one week later. I went home and tried to forget about it.

I couldn’t though. It’s difficult to say what changed that week, but I started doing research online and read the testimonies of adoptive families. The way they talked about their adoptive children made me realize that this child could change somebody’s entire world. In small ways, he was already changing mine. I reached out to a few adoption agencies and discovered that what I was going through was not unusual. I wanted to be healthy through this pregnancy and needed help getting out of the living situation I was in. Arizona Adoption Help was able to support me financially through the pregnancy. With their help, I moved out of the apartment I was sharing with a few other people. It was a completely fresh start for me. I met with the counselor every couple of weeks and started looking for a job, so that when the baby is born, I can afford to keep up with my new life.

After a few short months, my entire life is different. Before, I spent most nights partying and surrounded myself with people that really didn’t care about me. Now, I have a job at a commercial cleaning company and an apartment. I even started talking to my family again and have plans to fly and visit them after the baby is born. This child isn’t even born yet and he is responsible for so much good. I often think that some day I might want to start a family. When that time comes, I’ll be ready because this baby gave me a second chance.

Megan – Phoenix, AZ 2014

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A Mother’s Love0

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Tucson, AZ      My name is Leslie and I am a mother. Some would call me a birthmom, but I know there is nothing that separates the love I feel for my child than the love any mother feels for their child. The difference is how I chose to show that love. I knew I couldn’t provide my baby girl with the opportunities in life she deserves. I wanted her to grow up comfortable and safe in her home. I wanted her to have experiences that I couldn’t give her, to travel and to go to good schools. Most of all I wanted her to have a stable family.

The moment I found out I was pregnant will stick with me forever. I had a feeling something was happening but I was afraid to take the test. For four days, I kept the test in a drawer in my room unopened, knowing it would change my life forever. When I saw the positive sign, my heart sank and I knew I would never be the same. The decision to adopt was something I came to terms with over the next few weeks. I was in no place to raise a child. I couldn’t give my child the life she deserved.

I met Chandra and Glen through Arizona Adoption Help and immediately it became clear that these two people could provide my child with everything I could not. They already started their family with one child through adoption and shared pictures of their daughter and home life. Even though Chandra and Glen had been through this process before, they never expected my journey to look anything like what they experienced before. They told me from the start that my decision to adopt was something they respected and admired, they would be there for me in whatever way I needed, but never wanted me to feel like I had to go through this their way. Sometimes I didn’t feel like communicating the hurt I felt during my pregnancy. But their silent support got me through those tough times. I never told them how much it meant to me that they were thinking and planning for this child as much as I was.

Some people may not understand my decision to give my child a life and a family apart from me. Before I went through this, I never imagined the journey of my first child would look this way. But now having gone through it, I’m at peace with my decision. I know my family doesn’t look like the typical family. My daughter has two mothers, one that loves her so much that she brought another mother into her life to take care of her. We stay in touch with pictures and letters because I always want her to know that my love will never go away or change. She will forever be my daughter.

 

Peace and love, Leslie

Tucson, AZ  |  December 2014

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The Facts about Adoption0

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At Arizona Adoption Help, we are dedicated to providing birthmothers the support and care they deserve. Recently I’ve been doing research on the information available to birthmoms about the adoption process, and overwhelmingly, content on the Internet is written by and for adoptive parents of children. While their journey is no less valid and important, it would not be possible without the women who first make that courageous decision to carry a child through birth. Perhaps it is the social stigma we’ve created around adoption and a mother’s choice to place her child. It’s become one of those things that people don’t want to talk about. For some it’s difficult to imagine the circumstances that would lead a mother to this decision, so they apply undue shame and judgment. At Arizona Adoption Help, we want to change that. We want birthmothers to know that we respect and honor their decision. Most of all, we want them to have all the information about the adoption process available to them, so they can make an informed and confident decision about the life and future of their child.

Reasons to Choose Adoption

There are many reasons why women consider their options when finding out about a pregnancy. There are sociological factors, like current financial status. Sometimes legal factors come into play and the decision to keep their child is out of their hands. Some mothers choose adoption because the time is not right to parent, or perhaps they are struggling to provide care for the children they already have. We want mothers to know that adoption is one of the most loving and unselfish decisions you can make for your child. It is the opportunity to provide a wonderful life and future for your baby.

Your Adoption, Your Choice

There are many misconceptions about adoption, largely due to its portrayal in the media. Adoption does not look like the dramatized version in Lifetime movies or the way our mothers and fathers experienced it in the past. Adoption looks exactly how you want it to. There are a myriad of choices you have as a birthmother in the process, from beginning to end. At Arizona Adoption Help, we treat birthmothers like the responsible and mature adults they are. You can choose the medical care and counseling you prefer. You can choose the adoptive family and how much or little involvement you want to have with them, whether it be emails, phone calls or meeting in person. We will help you prepare for the hospital and decide what your stay will look like with the baby. You can choose if and how you want to stay in touch with the family after.

Misconceptions about Adoption

Some may think an adoption is expensive, but in fact, all legal, medical and counseling services are no cost to you, and there are even court-approved living expenses available to you during your pregnancy and for six weeks after the birth of your child. Some may think that if you choose to continue your pregnancy, the choice will not be confidential, your friends and family will know and be involved. Your adoption can be 100% confidential if you choose. We can arrange for a clothing budget to hide the pregnancy, or if this is too difficult, it’s possible to make temporary living arrangements elsewhere so you can keep the pregnancy private. Lastly, some people may think an adoption is too emotionally difficult and that abortion would be easier. While both options are difficult, adoption gives you the opportunity to stay in touch with your child through pictures and letters. You can see their smiling face and know they are living a life full of care and loving support. Adoption is a valid choice and we want birthmothers to know that we will be there for them every step of the way and make it the most positive experience possible.

Please reach out to us if you or someone you know is thinking about adoption. There is no obligation and we are here to provide all the information necessary for you to make the best decision for you and your baby.

www.azadoptionhelp.com

(602) 271-9899

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What do Birthmoms look for in an Adoptive Family’s Profile?0

This week I asked one of our past birth moms to think back to that very moving time when she was first handed a stack of profiles and began the process of finding her child’s forever family. Birthmom Mariselle is from Flagstaff, Az and found her family in the fifth month of pregnancy. Jordan and Michael were not the first profile she looked at nor the last. She offers advice to both birthmoms and adoptive families wanting to find each other on this wonderful journey of adoption. Thank you, Mari, for opening up and sharing your experience with us.

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“For some birth moms this is an exciting time. Up until this moment, you might have imagined all the possibilities of what your adoptive family will look like and sound like. Maybe you know that finding the perfect family is what this whole process is about. And you delight in the time spent eagerly reading their words and searching pictures for each and every detail that will bring the family alive to you. However, for some moms this is a very emotional experience. While the purpose is to place your child with one of these families, the thought of someone else sharing a lifetime with them is difficult. No one seems right for the job. To these moms, I would want to say that your family is out there. Ask questions and for more information before you set aside each profile, because how can anyone fully express their heart’s wishes and give you the grand picture of their life in twenty or so pages? Be open to connect with someone, to learn and to share, because at the end of the day, feeling a bond with the adoptive family will give you security and confidence in your decision.

When I did my first pass-through with a stack of four profiles, I was looking for each family’s story. How did they meet and what did they connect over in the beginning of their relationship? What interests do they share and what do they do together? What is their home life like, their family life, work life? For me, it was important that my child have a mother and a father, because a father was something I could not give him. I wanted to know that they loved each other and were even fascinated by each other. One of the things that drew me to Jordan and Michael was they each took turns describing the other person, what they liked and what their strengths were. Knowing that their relationship was built on admiration and trust made me feel like my son would be safe and always part of a stable family. That really was another important factor. Were they secure with an established path and a clear direction for their future? I wanted to know that my son would know what stability felt like.

After reading through the profiles, there were two that stood out to me. I had a few questions about things that weren’t included in their profiles, like religious beliefs and where their extended family lived. I have to say that in the end, I chose Jordan and Michael because they just seemed real. I don’t know what it was exactly but their lives seemed normal, with family pets and nieces and nephews. They weren’t trying to come off as the perfect family but just came through to me perfectly as themselves. I know that every birthmom will go through this experience differently. And, really, there is no magic recipe for the perfect profile. Someone might find some random commonality and that’s all it takes to connect. So to adoptive parents worrying over putting together the perfect profile, I would say just show up as you really are. At the end of the day, I’m glad I know the real Michael and Jordan, because they are more wonderful than anything I could have imagined before.”

XO – Mariselle

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Positive Adoption Language0

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Just like parenting through birth, adoption is about building a family. At Arizona Adoption Help, we honor a mother’s decision to place her child with an adoptive family and to provide the best possible future for them. There are many misconceptions about adoption in today’s society, but it is one of the most unselfish and caring things you can do as a mother and father when the time is not right to raise a child. To prevent the negativity and get to the heart of adoption, it’s important to be aware of the language we use. The words we choose convey a lot about our emotions and our values. They express what we really think. Using Positive Adoption Language is one of the most important ways we can respect all people involved in an adoption.

One of the most common mistakes is saying a child was “given up” for adoption. This sends the message that their biological parents somehow failed, or further, they didn’t want or love their child. There is no “giving up” or “giving away.” Birth parents invest great care into a plan for adoption. They place their child out of love and the desire to create a future and a family for their child. Similarly, to say a child was not “wanted” because they were adopted is just plain wrong. They were very much wanted, and in fact, they were waited for, planned for and wished for.

With respect to parents that choose to adopt a child, there are some insensitive terms to avoid. To say a child’s birth parents are their “real” or “natural” parents sends the message that the adoptive family is fake or unnatural, somehow lacking in value. Nothing could be further from the truth. When a family adopts, it is very much real and the child is as much their own as a child brought into the family through birth. Even describing parents that choose to adopt as in someway above others implies that adoption is a less than ideal situation and only for very special, strong or very saintly people. Positive Adoption Language sends the message that adoption is a very valid and real way to create a family, not better or worse than having a child through birth. Here are a few more terms to be mindful of when speaking about adoption.

 Positive Adoption Language

  • Birthparent
  • Birth Child
  • Place a child through adoption
  • To Parent
  • Was adopted

Negative Adoption Language

  • Real or Natural parent
  • Illegitimate, unwanted child
  • Give up, give away, child taken away
  • Is adopted
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A Birthmother’s Journey0

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My name is Abigail and I live in Tucson, Arizona. Two months ago I placed my child with a wonderful family named Steve and Tricia. There were heartaches and tears, but I feel blessed to have found the perfect family for my daughter Lacey. I never expected to feel the way I did in the hospital when I saw Steve hold her for the first time. And when Tricia reacted like any mother would, asking about every detail of Lacey’s birth, and how many times she had a diaper change, and did I need something special to eat, I felt like I was suddenly a very important part of their new family. It was a strange thing to feel natural with these two people I met on the phone a few months ago and have only shared emails and pictures with.

When I found out I was pregnant, it was my third year of college and I was living with some girl friends in Tucson. I met this guy in one of my project groups in class and we started hanging out casually. He never really met my friends and I didn’t know much about his. When I found out I was pregnant, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to tell him because it felt weird, what was he even going to say about a baby?? We talked about abortion, but I knew it was something I couldn’t do. This baby could have a family and a life. We left the conversation with I was going to make some calls and see what my options were. Once our class ended, we didn’t talk much anymore. He just sort of faded out of my life.

Thankfully I had the support of my friends. I called Arizona Adoption Help and spoke with Kim who made me feel a lot better about the process and even met with me in Tucson to fill out paperwork. At first it’s all sort of overwhelming, but it’s about taking one step at a time. First, I had to take care of me and the baby. I found an OBGYN and had my first appointment. Seeing the baby on the ultrasound was a profound moment for me. It’s so incredible to think of this tiny being beginning her life. The next step was finding the perfect family for my child. I had a few phone sessions with the counselor at Arizona Adoption Help about what kind of family I envisioned and what kind of relationship I would be comfortable with. It was great knowing that there isn’t one way an adoption looks. I could choose the family and decide how much involvement I wanted to have with them.  When I received the profiles, it was a hard moment for me. Here were these loving families, with nice homes in nice neighborhoods. They were close with relatives and took vacations. It was bitter sweet thinking that while I wasn’t able to give this kind of life to my baby girl, here were these amazing people that could.

When I first opened Tricia and Steve’s profile, I just knew I was going to like them. Tricia was a stay at home mom who loved gardening, jams, and their two pugs. And Steve was a scientist who liked to build things and looked forward to making a play house for a child someday. Growing up in Tucson, Arizona, the desert, I always wished I could experience a white Christmas. When I found out they had snowy winters, I could just see my child in their home. We scheduled to have a phone call and I was so nervous. I could tell Tricia was nervous too on the phone, but Steve kept making jokes and soon enough the conversation became normal. Which, I know, is so weird! But I can’t explain how this little baby brought us together so easily. We talked about my childhood and plans for the future and they told me about their interests. It was just meant to be.

From that moment on things changed. I felt more at peace knowing that there were two people out there somewhere thinking about this child as much as I was. I wasn’t alone in this process for a second. As the delivery date approached, they made plans to fly to Tucson. I went into labor around 11pm at night. Lacey, our baby girl, was born at 8:28am. She was beautiful. And sweet and perfect and calm. Steve and Tricia got the first flight out and made it there around noon. Tricia came through the door first and cried. She hugged me for a good long time. Steve held Lacey and we all just stood in awe of this perfect little girl.

The next 48 hours were spent in the hospital. Me, Lacey, Tricia and Steve were this funny little group. Steve and Tricia were able to stay in the room next door to me and spend Lacey’s first precious nights with her. We had visitors in the day, my friends came, and time just stood still for awhile. I felt so proud and happy for Lacey to feel all that love. She deserved every bit of it. When it came time for us to leave, I’m not going to lie, there were tears, lots of them. I loved her from the first moment and I was going to miss everything about her. But Tricia and Steve were going to be amazing parents. The next few days were hard, but I had such amazing support. With everyone at Arizona Adoption Help, I was never alone or left wondering what was going to happen. I’m so thankful for each and every person involved in welcoming Lacey to this world. She will always be my angel.

 

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Your Adoption Counselor0

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With laws surrounding adoption varying from state to state and evolving every day, the adoption process is a complicated legal course of action, one that requires representation in the form of an attorney. But it also entails an incredibly personal and emotional journey for all parties of the adoption triad involved: the birth parents, adoptive parents, and child. This is why one of the most important aspects of an adoption is counseling. For birth mothers, a counselor is their main line of support, a person they can go to with no agenda other than to serve in their client’s best interest. They are like a guide through rough waters, somebody to listen to the emotions that naturally arise and help design a plan that will lead to the most positive adoption experience possible.

“I had no idea where to turn when I found out I was pregnant. None of my friends had been through anything like this before, so it was hard for them to understand. The decision of whether or not to keep my baby was going to change everything. My family tried to be there for me, but they had their own worries and opinions about how it would affect their lives. In fact, I felt like everyone was telling me what they would do and how they would feel. Talking through everything with my counselor was the best thing for me. She listened and allowed me to decide what was best for me and my baby.”

Adoption comes with a considerable amount of care and work. From the very beginning, your team of support should include a counselor that has extensive experience with the adoption process. The details of every adoption will differ, and a counselor will be there to inform you of all the options that come with making a plan for you and your baby. From working through the decision to adopt in the first place to telling friends or family, choosing and forming a relationship with an adoptive family, coming up with a birth plan, and deciding what kind of adoption is best for you, your counselor will be there to prepare you for each step.

“When I first decided that adoption was the right choice for me and my baby, that was it. I was confident and knew it was the best thing. However, the emotions that began to creep in during the last few weeks of my pregnancy were overwhelming. I’m so glad I had Kris. She really cared about me, letting me know that these feelings were normal. She helped me work through sadness and never pushed me to feel one way or another. Because of her, my relationship with the adoptive family is honest and easy going.”

Contrary to many views of counseling, the role of an adoption counselor is not to dig deep into your past or solve big psychological problems. They are here to help you navigate through this intense and emotional time. A counselor will help you manage the stress that can occur when placing a child through adoption, the fear you may experience before the baby comes, and the loss you may encounter after. At Arizona Adoption Help, we provide the counseling that is essential to birth moms both before and after the birth of a child. Our certified counselor, Kris Bergin, has counseled birthmothers for over 13 years and has immense respect for the journey you are going through. She is here to offer the care and support you deserve.

 

 

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